


Anatomy Lesson

by Axismundix



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda, mass - Fandom
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-28 00:44:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13892640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Axismundix/pseuds/Axismundix
Summary: How do you please your turian girlfriend? Maybe you are going to have a very awkward conversation with the only other female turian you know...





	Anatomy Lesson

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty much just goofing around. Title says it all.

Scott paced slowly, back and forth in front of the medical bay door. His hands kept reaching up to run through his hair once, twice, then dropping heavily to his side. Then, he would repeat the motion. 

 

“C’mon, Ryder,” Scott grumbled to himself. “Stop being a fucking wimp and just….go in. She’s a doctor….it’s the kind of thing she’s there for….”

 

For probably the twentieth time in the last five minutes, Scott reached for the door control. And for the twentieth time he froze.

 

Catching sight of himself in the reflection, Scott looked at himself. And, again, found himself lacking. His hair was deep pitch black. Except for the half inch of pale blonde roots at the base.  _ Dammit...gotta recolor….and cut….getting shaggy…. _

 

His nose was normal. His mouth. Normal. Eyes...well...at least he had interesting eyes. His bright purple irises were an exceptionally rare thing in humans. They were fair sized, sharped up slightly, giving them a, in his opinion, lovely almond shape.

 

On the right side of his neck was the black jigsaw like pattern tattoo he and his sister had gotten. Hers, naturally, mirrored his. Because they were the weird kind of twins.

 

_ Sara…. _ Scott found himself frowning at his shoes as he mentally cursed her.  _ Why the hell did you get all the good looks? _

 

She was a good six inches shorter than Scott was, but she seemed to get all the good looking genes from both their father and mother.

 

Her eyes matched his in color, but were larger, fitting their mother’s heritage from the indian subcontinent. Where Scott was almost pale, like their father, Sara’s skin was smoother, a deeper, warmer, brown. Her lips, full. Her nose, pert.

 

_ I hate you sometimes…. _ Scott sighed to himself.  _ Get better so I can slap you…. _

 

Then, the door opened. Doctor Lexi T’Perro sat at the her medical station, working on some report or another. “Well?” she asked, not looking up. “You’ve been there for almost ten minutes. I was getting tired of the sound of you pacing. Come in and talk.”

 

Scott swallowed as he stepped into the medical bay, looking around nervously. The sound of the closing door, too much like a tomb for his taste.

 

After a moment, Lexi looked at Scot with an eye ridge cocked. “Sit,” she ordered. “Talk. Now.”

 

Nodding, Scott dropped heavily into a chair and stared at the floor, trying to gather his thoughts. “Doc…” he began. “I...um...I was...wondering...you know….”

 

Lexi blinked as Scott drew out a long pause, then leaned back in her chair.  _ This is going to be one of  _ those.

 

“I...want toknowhowturianswork….” Scott blurted all out at once. “‘Kayplaesethanks…”

 

“Scott,” Lexi sighed as she rubbed absently at the bridge of her nose. “You have to give me a bit more than ‘I want to know how turians work’.”

 

“Umm…” Scott swallowed. Honestly, he was surprised that she had understood his babbling. But then, he didn't really know much about asari either. Even after that….lesson, Peebee had given him. “I was...you know...concerned. ‘Cause….I don’t know what to do…”

 

“Do?” Lexi looked up at Scott frowning slightly.

 

“Yeaaaah…” Scott swallowed as he ran his hand through his hair again. “Like...if something….happened to...Vetra…”

 

“I see,” Lexi nodded, looking pleased. “Well, I am glad you thought of that and came to me. I would be glad to tell you everything you need to know.” 

 

Turning, Lexi begin to bring up a few screens. “I also have some good diagrams.”

 

“You..you do?” Scott leaned back, slightly shocked.   
  


“Of course,” Lexi laughed. “I’m a doctor. And I have to say I am quite pleased that you are taking the medical and first aid needs of your crew into consideration!”

 

“What?” Scott asked, his eyes widening.

 

“Medical needs?” Lexi frowned slightly looking over at him. “That’s what you were asking about, wasn’t it?”

 

“OH!, Yes!” Scott nodded his head so hard he was afraid it might come off. “Yes, indeed. Sorry, just self conscious that I hadn’t thought to ...um...ask before.”

 

“Oh, Scott, I understand,” Lexi smiled and pated Scott’s knee. “We have a few hours until we come out of FTL, so plenty of time to get the basics!”

 

“Yay….”

 

\---------------------------------------

  
  


“Okay, Ryder….” Scott mumbled to himself. “You got this. You’re the Pathfinder. This is weird, but you are out of options…. Here we go….”

 

“Gonna do it.”

 

“Here we go….”

 

“Would you like me to initiate the call?” Sam asked calmly, scaring the living shit out of Scott.

 

“Damn it, Sam,” Scott cursed, gripping his chest, over his, now wildly, beating heart.

 

“My apologies for startling you,” Sam said, sounding unusually amused. “You seemed to be having trouble with the comm panel. I merely wished to give you help.”

 

“No,” Scott spat, mortified. “No….I can do it.”

 

“Very well,” Sam said, and went quiet.

 

“Okay, Ryder,” Scott mumbled. “Now the AI is worried….just make the call…”

 

\------------------------

10 Minutes Later

 

“Scott?” Sam asked.

 

“Yes...Sam…” Scot sighed as he tapped his forehead on his desk again.

 

“I do not believe your current course of action will get you anywhere.”

 

“No, Sam, it will not,” Scott agreed.

 

“I see,” Sam, stated, his tone contemplative. “Very well then.” Sam’s voice had a note of...finality to it.

 

“Sam…” Scott started as worry began to prickle the back of his neck. “Why did you say that?”

 

Instead of an answer, Scott’s comm beeped and a vid image popped up.

 

“Hey! Ryder!” Sid’s voice cheerfully called out. “I’m so excited you called me! I get to brag about how the Path….hey...Ryder? You there?”

 

_ I’m going to kill you Sam!  _ Scott screamed in his head.  _ I don’t care if I die, too! It’ll be a murder/suicide…. _

 

“Yeah! I’m here! Hey!” Scott grinned unnaturally. “How you doing?”

 

“Oh! Well, pretty fine, I suppose,” Sid shrugged slightly. “Boring, as usual, but fine.”

 

“Good! Good…” Scott nodded. “I...you know...Nevermind. I don’t want to bother you, or waste your time. So, I’m just gonna…”

 

“You’re no bother,” Sid laughed warmly. “I just got off shift anyway, so I have plenty of time. Just let me get in my…” Scott could see the background behind Sid shifting as the turian girl moved. “Okay, in my room...and…” Then Sids image shifted to a larger, better image. “Allright, and switched to my desk comm. Much better!”

 

“Yeah, so much better,” Scott sighed, defeated.

 

“Alright, out with it, Pathfinder,” Sid said, frowning. “Something is wrong. It’s not Vetra is it?”

 

“No, Vetra’s fine,” Scott held up his hands defensively. “I mean...I did call about her, but nothing is wrong with her...I mean… I’m… I have the problem. But I think this was a bad idea, and I don’t know why I thought calling you about it was a good idea.”

 

“Well, now that you have me all nice and worked up with worry,” Sid scowled darkly as she crossed her arms over her chest.

 

“Fuck,” Scott cursed under his breath. “I was just...I wanted to know….I don’t know any other turians so….”

 

“Okay, so we have confirmed you don’t have any friends,” Sid smirked, her mandibles widening slightly.

 

“Dammit, Sid…” Scott sighed as he looked at the ceiling. “I wanted to know about how turians...worked. But this is way too awkward, and you are her sister, which makes it even more weird….”

 

“How turians work?” Sid repeated with a confused tilt to her head.

 

Scott would remember the next moment for the rest of his life.

 

Slowly Sid’s eyebrow plates lifted as high as they could go. Followed shortly by the widening of her golden eyes. Even her slit pupils dilated.

 

This was followed quickly by Sid’s mandibles dropping wide and limp as her mouth fell open.

 

“YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW TO FUCK MY SISTER!!” Sid yelled as she dropped forward onto her desk. Her face, which was now filling the entire comm screen, twisted into the turian extreme glee as she began to laugh.

 

“Spirits! Oh...I...WOW!” Sid leaned back and bounced up and down in her seat. “I don’t even..This...HA!”

 

“Alright, you know what, Nevermind, this was a bad idea,” Scott spat as he reached up.

 

“No! Ryder! Wait! I-”

 

With a click, Scott cut the communication feed.

 

“Don’t think that could have gone worse…” Scott muttered to himself as his hands slide through his hair, rapidly.

 

*beep* Scott’s comm signaled.

 

“Sid,” Scott shook his head, denying the feed.

 

*beep*

 

“Nope.”

 

*beep*

 

“Stop it.”

*beep*

 

“Scott,” Sam spoke up finally. “Constantly denying her communication request does not seem to work. And I have to apologise. I did not mean to embarrass you.”

 

*beep*

 

“I know, Sam. I know,” Scott sighed as he denied the comm again. “Just at the end of my rope, as the saying goes.”

 

Leaning back again, Scott stared at the ceiling as he counted slowly to one hundred. And the comm stopped going off.  _ Thank god…. _

 

*La laaaaaa!*

 

Scott’s extranet mail sounded off, nearly startling him out of his chair. 

 

“Holy, mother of….I forgot Sara did that to my omnitool…” Sara had quite enjoyed recording the highest, loudest pitch she could reach and then implanting it, via some sort of virus, into Scott’s omnitool. And now, even after changing omnitools several times, it always popped back up.

 

Not that he would change it if you offered him real cheese.

 

“Wow...girl is dedicated,” Scott chuckled as he saw the message was from Sid. “Let’s see what...fuck…”

 

\---------------------------------

 

To: Ryder_Pathfinder

From: SidtheGreat

Subject: I’m sorry, answer your comm

 

Okay, seriously, I’m sorry I laughed. I was just surprised. Answer my comm. It’s important.

 

S

 

Or I’ll tell Vetra

 

\-----------------------------

 

*beep*

 

“Goddamn it….”

 

\---------------------------------

 

“Okay, so, seriously, really sorry I laughed like that,” Sid exclaimed as soon the the vid feed opened. “ I wasn't laughing at you, I swear! I was more laughing at Vetra.”

 

“Alright,” Scott allowed, with tentative nod. “And why would you be laughing at Vetra?”

 

“Well….” Sid looked down for a moment as she collected her thoughts before nodding. “So, you know how she raised me and everything. We moved around a lot, she did a bunch of stuff that she doesn’t talk about, the whole deal right?”

 

“Pretty much, yeah,” Scott nodded.

 

“In all our moving around, Vetra never really had any real relationships,” Sid sighed, her mandibles tightening in. “She had some, of course. A couple even started out pretty nice, before...well, things didn’t work out. And it’s always been my fault.”

 

“What? Sid, it isn’t your fault!” Scott assured the girl. “Vetra loves you. And is ridiculously proud of you! I mean, you are almost all she talks about!”

 

“Yeah,” Sid sighed, curling up a little. “That’s kinda what I mean. At least, part of it. I...just got a little excited, is all. I mean….you seem to be a really nice guy.”

 

“Oh...Well….Thanks?” Scott coughed a little.

 

“No, really, I mean it,” Sid smiled slightly. “You’ve done a lot for Vetra, and me. So...I would love to help you with anything you might need!”

 

“Whoooo….” Scott exhaled and shook his head. “I really don’t think getting the turian birds and bees talk from Vetra’s little sister is the right way to go.”

 

“Birds...and bees?” Sid blinked as she sat back. “I don’t know what that means.”

 

“Umm….how...babies are...made…” Scott shifted, not looking at the screen.

 

“Ah! I see,” Sid nodded, looking serious. “I don’t see the issue….”

 

“It’s...your sister!” Scott shook his head again. “That’s kind of awkward.”

 

“Oh, I get it!” Sid giggled as she leaned forward a bit. “It’s a human thing! Is sex a taboo thing for you to talk about?”

 

Once again, Scott was caught off guard, making him freeze for a moment. “Sort of?” he shifted uncomfortably. “With the family, it kinda is. Especially in...this...kinda situation….”

 

“Hmm…” Sid tilted her head as her mandibles flexed in and out. Scott had seen that same expression on Vetra many times as she thought her way through a problem. “Well, for us, turians, I mean, that kind of thing isn’t a big deal. I mean, it’s just information that might make another happy. No reason to not share it.”

 

“Well, that is kind of impressive mature,” Scott said honestly. “It makes a lot of sense.”

 

“Good, I’m glad you understand,” Sid nodded cheerfully. “So...what do you know? I suppose that would be a good place to start.”

 

“I...sort of tried to ask Doctor T’Perro...but I ended up getting a basic biology lesson and how to seal gunshot wounds,” Scott said dryly. “So, not terribly much.”

 

Sid giggled again as nodded. “Okay, that’s funny...but for this situation, kinda nothing then.”

 

“Right,” Scott squared his shoulders as he thought. “I know that a turian’s carapace is high in metallic compounds. You are highly resistant to many forms of radiation. You have three fingers. Two toes. And there is not a significant gender dysmorphia.”

 

“That is not much,” Sid nodded. “Like...you don’t even know we lay eggs?”

 

“You...what?” Scott’s mind stumbled to a stop. “Really?”

 

“Ha! No, not really,” Sid giggled again as she looked to the side. “We do bear live young. Umm...let’s see...gonna see what I can… Okay. Looking at basic human females...Weird…”

 

“What?” Scott leaned in slightly, as if he would be able to see what Sid was looking at.

 

“Hmm? Oh, your female mammary thing,” Sid shrugged. “Just like asari, so it was a little surprising.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“From what I can tell…” Sid nodded to something offscreen again before turning back to Scott. “So, humans and turians birth, more or less, the same way. The...umm...tube? The part you stick your penis in, is the same kinda tube.”

 

“Well,” Scott blushed deeply as he dropped his head to the table. “That’s right straightforward.”

 

“Ha, ha,” Sid laughed. “Told you it isn’t that big a deal for us.”

 

“You certainly did”, Scott admitted as he looked back up. 

 

“Anyway,” Sid continued. “You put your penis in the  _ debent _ , er...that’s our word for it. We...will, move it back and forth until orgasm is reached. Wow, I sorta see what you mean about it being a little awkward.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Scott grimace. “You don’t have to keep going.”

 

“No, no! Not like that, it’s more that it’s the basics of basics, so it’s kinda like trying to explain to a child…” Sid attempted to reassure him. “Ack! That came out wrong!”

“Ha!” Scott laughed as he leaned back in his seat. “Well, that was certainly a good way to lighten the mood.”

 

“Good!” Sid giggled, as she glanced away again. “I’m not entirely sure what the difference between us and humans are...oh, hell with it.” This time Sid turned back and nodded. “I’ll just hit the basics, okay?”

 

“Heh, hit…” Scott snickered. “Sure.”

 

Puzzled, Sid tilted her head for a moment, “Yeah, hit the...Oh! I get it! Ha, ha, smart guy.”

 

“Sorry, couldn't help it,” Scott couldn’t help the grin that was crossing his face.”

 

_ “Anyway _ ,” Sid rolled her eyes. “Male part goes in female part, the move in and out. Pleasure builds, caps with orgasmic release. Male part releases sperm for the female, young is achieved, assuming the female is in a fertile time, or they take some form of precaution.”

 

“Alright,” Scott nodded. “So far, the same.”

 

“Good to know,” Sid tapped her chin looking thoughtful, as her mandibles flexed again. “After that...male loses arousal, his part comes out, mating, done.”

 

“That’s...it?” Scott was taken a bit aback. 

 

“Of course not!” Sid laughed. “Like I said, basics!”

 

“Ha!” Scott laughed as he playfully tapped himself on the head. “Sorry.”

 

“Nah, don’t worry,” Sid giggled. “That’s what this is for, after all.”

 

“Okay, then go on,” Scott waved slightly. 

 

“Glad to see you are having an easier time with this,” Sid grinned. “So, females have two large nerve clusters in the  _ debent _ . They expose themselves during the mating, and that is when the female reaches her peak. From that point, until the male peaks, she will be in a steady orgasm, that will grow in intensity as they mate.”

 

“Wow….” Scott’s eyes widened. “Lucky girls….”

 

“Different for humans, huh,” Sid shrugged, before slapping her hands together. “Oh! Stupid me, I forgot to mention how females get aroused!”

 

“Might be important,” Scott chuckled. “Little awkward again…”

 

“Nonsense,” Sid waved a hand. “So, on the outside of the  _ debent _ are a couple of plates that are tight together, right? So, when the female is aroused, the plates open, horizontally. Simple! Just don’t go in the wrong tube, I suppose…..”

 

“What?” Scott blinked.

 

“Hmm...what’s the term...I heard humans use it before...krogan and salarians are like it to…” Sid frowned off camera again before nodding. “Got it. It’s a cloaca.”

 

“Oh…” Scott nodded. “That is important.”

 

“Wait…” Sid tapped her chin as her eyes narrowed. “Humans are kinda soft….I know! Show me your genitals!”

 

“What?!” Scott sputtered as he leapt back in his chair. “I’m not going to show you my….No!”

 

“Boo,” Sid snorted. “You are so uptight.”

 

“Sorry, but not happening,” Scott grunted, his face burning.

 

“Fine,” Sid rolled her eyes again. “I’ll look it up myse- WHAT THE SPIRITS IS THAT!”

 

“What?!” Scott leaned forward, concerned. “Sid? Are you okay? What’s happening?!”

 

“I...I….” Sid’s eyes were wide as she looked from whatever she had off screen and back to Scott a few times. “Umm...I...okay…” Sid paused again for a moment, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.  “Humans just have a  _ really _ large….males are very large.”

 

Blinking, Scott slowly deflated as the adrenaline shot eased a bit. “Wow...okay...for a human, that is a bit of an ego boost….”

 

“It shouldn’t be,” Sid said absently, seemingly unable to look away from whatever she had found. “So...pink...soft looking...hmm...probably need a lubricant? Yeah...definitely need a lubricant.”

 

“So, basically, go slow and use a lot of a non allergenic lubricant. Got it,” Scott cleared his throat. “That it? I hope….”

 

Exhaling deeply, Sid looked back at Scott for a long moment. “Well. Almost. I’ll send you position diagrams later. You can figure out what would work for you that way. We don’t really kiss, like I have seen humans do. Lack of lips and all….but we do use tongues for...stuff.” 

 

“Think there would be a reaction with the dextro/levo part?” Scott asked, curiously.

 

“Oh, right…” Sid sighed. “Maybe not then. Hands it is I suppose. You’ve got like, a hundred of them, you should be good at that kind of thing.”

 

“Heh,” Scott shook his head. “Well, not that many, but I will look into it.” 

 

“I could show you mine, if you want to get an idea,” Sid perked up. “I can show you a basic foreplay thing too!” 

 

With that, Sid stood, and stepped back from the desk, her hands moving to remove her clothes.

 

“Whoa!” Scott tore his eyes away, looking everywhere but at his vid screen. “No! No, way! Off limits!”

 

“Really?” Sid grunted. “You really are stuck up.”

 

“Sorry to disappoint,” Scott laughed. “I appreciate the offer.”

 

“Sure, if you change your mind, let me know,” Sid shrugged as she sat back down. “Not like you won’t see when we mate.”

 

“When we what?!” Scott jerked back to the vid.

 

“When you mate with the female, you have to provide for the others in the family,” Sid frowned. “It’s common sense. Besides, what else are you going to do while the female recovers? You do it with the others, then go back to it!”

 

Scott could feel the cold sweat run down his back as he paled. “I...oh god...really?”

 

“Pfff!” Sid lost her hold and fell back laughing. “Of course not! I can’t believe you fell for that! HA HA!”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Scott grumbled as his chin dropped into his hand. “Laugh it up. I almost had a heart attack.”

 

“HA HA HA HA!!!” Sid began heaving in breaths as she squirmed in her chair. “Your face! I….ha ha! I shoulda recorded…., BWAH HA HA HA!”

 

Disgruntled, Scott sighed dramatically again as Sid laughed so hard she fell off her chair with a thump. “Okay, then I’m going to go…”

 

“Wait!” Sid gasped as her hands grabbed the edge of her desk, heaving herself up enough to look over the edge as she continued to giggle. “Sorry, sorry, don’t be mad!”

 

“I’m not mad,” Scott smirked slightly. “You got me pretty good there. But fair warning, I  _ will _ get you back for that.”

 

“Hee,” Sid stuck her dark blue tounge out slightly. “Fair enough,” she said with a shrug. “Though I wasn’t kidding about sharing through a family sometimes. Bye!”

 

“Wait, you little!” Scott yelled as the vid connection closed.

 

Scott sat for a moment, staring dumbfounded at his desk before slumping back into his chair.

 

“Sam,” he said quietly, with a tone of exhaustion. “Did I just get outwitted by a teenager?”

 

“I am afraid so, Scott,” Sam confirmed. “However, I point out that Sidera  _ is _ of age for both turians and humans.”

 

“Don’t you start, Sam. Don’t you fucking start…..”

  
  
  


\------------------------------

Turian Lexicon

 

Debent: turian female induction port. (vagina)


End file.
